Get Us Out of This
by Houkakyou
Summary: Juushiro and Shunsui are in trouble. It's their final year in the Academy and everybody still thinks they're gay! Their friend Senzo Kuchiki is set on helping them...but can they really go through with his wacky ideas?
1. Of Hair and Explanations

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach or anything associated with it. I do own Senzo, however.

**Chapter One: Of Hair and Explanations**

"Shunsui…" he warned. "Please don't do that. You're going to make us miss class again!" He pushed his roommate away from him and started to get up.

"Come on, Juushiro! This is a must every morning. There's no way you can argue your way out of this! Just think; you don't want to disappoint the fangirls, do you?" Shunsui coaxed.

"Neither of us have fangirls. You have admirers and I have friends and this isn't going to change their attitudes toward either of us in the least." he retorted. "Now for the last time let me up and _get your fingers out of my hair_!" Juushiro twisted around and pulled his hair out of the younger man's grip before getting to his knees and using Shunsui's shoulder as a support for getting up. He walked over to the full-length mirror that they shared and frowned. Shunsui had mussed it up again. He'd have to give it a quick run-though with a comb before leaving.

Shunsui watched his friend get up and then started when he heard a knock at the door. "Who is it?" he called.

"Just me. You know, your friendly little next-door neighbor who's had to listen to you two getting it on all morning. Yup, just me." a voice answered.

"You know, for some reason whenever I hear your voice I get the strangest feeling. You ever get it, Shunsui? That one where you just want to destroy something?" Juushiro replied casually. "Might as well let the brat in though."

Shunsui walked the three feet to the door and pulled it open, allowing their younger classmate to walk in. "Welcome to our humble abode, young student. What may I do for you today?"

"Cut the bullshit, Kyouraku-senpai. We have five minutes to get to the other end of the school in time for our first class because _somebody_ decided to waste time by tying their roommate's hair into a knot. I swear, haven't you learned yet? Ukitake-senpai is _insane_ about his hair," the boy complained. His name was Kuchiki Senzo and he was a year younger than the two. They had struck up a friendship after Shunsui had offered him a congratulations-on-entering-the-academy drink and he had dumped it on Shunsui's head. Juushiro immediately took a liking to him for refusing the alcohol and Shunsui was just glad the boy gave the extra drink back to him…albeit in a very unusual way.

"Yeah, you would think I would have learned by now. But it's just fun getting him on his toes." Shunsui replied, his eyes gleaming with mischief.

"I swear, Shunsui, one of these days you are going to get him so frustrated that he's just gonna start coughing on you. Now put that comb down, senpai, and grab your stuff. Your hair's fine. We kinda _need to go!_" Senzo took hold of Shunsui's sleeve and dragged him through the door, Juushiro following close behind.

Shunsui sighed and let himself be towed along, deciding that he'd just have to finish braiding Juushiro's hair in class where his friend couldn't make a scene.

---------------------

"God, Shunsui. You never give up, do you?!" Juushiro glared, exasperated. "Fine. You can do it today but no more messing with it later! You get one chance!"

"Oh, great! You finally gave in! This is a good sign. Maybe there'll be more for me later!" Shunsui chuckled quietly, tying off the Juushiro's braid with a small length of white ribbon. Senzo, who was sitting right next to them, rolled his eyes at their antics.

"I know you're trying to keep up your relationship, but could you please tone it down! I'm trying to listen here!" he whispered.

"Ah, and here comes the good old Kuchiki mentality," Shunsui grinned. "'I have to study! I have to listen to the teacher!' Seriously, how many people in this class right now do you think are actually listening and taking notes? I count two. You and Juu over here. Out of a hundred. That's two percent! Just stop already!"

"I see you do actually pay attention to the math teacher, Shunsui. That's unexpected." Juushiro commented, not taking his eyes off the teacher.

"Do not! Why do we need math anyway? It's so pointless. Nobody uses it anyway. And before you start giving me a scenario where I would need it, don't. I like thinking I'm right." Shunsui argued.

"That we know. Now be quiet! I can't hear the teacher. When did he say the test was?" Senzo asked.

"Tomorrow," Juushiro answered. "He said it would be tomorrow and it would be on the politics of the Sereitei. Hmph. That means I'm going to have to stay up late tonight tutoring Shunsui. Great."

"Oh, it couldn't be that bad. He does listen sometimes." Senzo replied.

Juushiro rolled his eyes. "Try saying that after three hours of attempting to explain to your drunken roommate why Yamamoto-sensei became Soutaicho instead of Jingezura-taicho - during which your roommate is requesting even more sake, as well as…other things that I can't go into in public."

"Ooooh! Ohmygod! Did you hear that?" One of the girls sitting a few seats away from them shrieked. "Other things! Aaah! I can't believe it! Don't you just love them!" She promptly proceeded to faint from overwhelming joy.

"Hey! Uri-san! I know it's amazing, but you can't faint! You'll miss the rest of it!" one of her friends shook her, trying to bring her back to consciousness.

"Ukitake. Kyouraku. While I do not care what activities you may indulge in outside of class, please keep them outside of class. I cannot have my students fainting while I teach them," the teacher recited in a monotone before going back to reading out of their textbook.

A new student a few rows away turned to his classmate and asked, "He sounds like he's said that a hundred times. Why is he so lenient about something like that? Relationships aren't allowed in school. Right?"

The boy sitting next to him answered, "He probably sounds like he's said that a hundred times _because_ he's said it a hundred times. Probably more, actually. The teachers stopped trying after the first year. And we can't do anything about it because they have a devoted following of fangirls who won't let anyone near them besides that Kuchiki kid. And the only reason they let him through is because they think he's the 'third wheel' in their relationship. You'll get used to it. Still pisses the rest of us off, though." He slumped down and rested his chin on his desk, staring at the teacher. "You'll wanna put your books away; class is almost over and there'll be a mad rush for the door."

----------------

The three friends decided to go back to their dorms for lunch to study in some peace and quiet. Senzo and Juushiro, at least. Shunsui just wanted a nice long drink. Walking into Juushiro's and Shunsui's room, the three dropped their bags and sat down.

"I'll get some tea and snacks," Juushiro sighed, pushing himself up again. "You guys discuss the predicament. I'm too tired already."

"Alright then. Thanks, Juu," Shunsui replied. "Senzo, when we originally started the Academy there were girls besieging us everywhere with confessions and proposals to do this or that. We decided we needed some space, and since neither of us cared about our reputations all that much-"

"Shunsui, you don't _have_ a reputation. All you do is drink your head off." Juushiro interrupted sarcastically.

"Why, thanks, old friend. I was talking about the Kyouraku family reputation, not my personal, apparently-non-existent one." Shunsui replied, annoyed. "But to go on, both of us needed a little space - and decided that we should act like we were in a relationship together. That way, the girls would stop crowding around us." He paused.

Juushiro walked over with the tea and continued where Shunsui had left off. "Unfortunately, we were too blind to realize that the girls would become more interested in our relationship than ever before - apparently they are rabid for gay relationships - and we fell into the tight spot between a rock and a hard space. The girls were more fanatical than ever before - albeit from a little farther away; they stopped confessing to us - and we couldn't back out of the relationship because then we'd start getting confessions again…and this time, from _both_ genders. We've been stuck here ever since first year, and while we don't care what people think of us here, we'd rather not have this continue through graduation. We only have this year to clear this whole deal up, and we need to figure out what to do now." he finished. "Got any ideas?"


	2. Of Dancing and Unusual Confessions

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach or anything associated with it. I do, however, own everybody you don't recognize.

**Chapter Two: Of Dancing and Unusual Confessions**

"Got it!" Senzo yelled out. "This is _perfect!_" He jumped up, knocking the papers on his lap to the floor, walked over to where his senpais were studying, and slammed the pamphlet he was holding down on the table between them.

"Oi, Senzo, calm down. This is the library, remember? We've gotta be quiet or they'll throw us out." Shunsui advised, startled by Senzo's sudden enthusiasm.

"Who cares about that? Check it out! I think I found the perfect chance!" the younger student blurted. "There's going to be a start-of-the-year dance that we're all obliged to attend. You guys can get dates! _Girl_ dates!"

Juushiro suddenly looked interested. "Where'd you find that? I haven't heard about anything like that yet. When is it?"

"I got it from Kusajiro-sensei last week. You know, the kido teacher? I think he's really into the club activities and all that. Anyway, I found it when I was going through all my papers just now." Senzo replied, looking happy with himself.

Shunsui pulled the pamphlet over to his side and skimmed through it. "It says here that it's in a week and it'll take place in the Banquet Hall. 'Every student third through sixth year is required to attend. Every student must bring a date. Take this opportunity to extend your connections and get in touch with your classmates outside of your area of study. Have fun and be safe! Note that this event is formal. Do not wear your academy uniform.'" He paused. "God, sounds like a business opportunity. Seriously, 'extend your connections'? Great, I'm going to be besieged just because I'm a Kyouraku. You get all the luck, Juushiro-Nobody-san. You're going to get jumped too, Senzo. The Kuchiki name, remember? _And_ they're making us dress up." He paused again. "On the bright side, think there'll be sake?"

Both Juushiro and Senzo whacked him over the head with their textbooks.

It was going to be a mad rush the day before the dance; that much Senzo knew for certain. Which was why he'd been pressuring the two roommates to pick out dates for the event and ask them by tomorrow. That way, all the smart, beautiful, _clearly straight_ girls would still be available.

He walked through the halls, inconspicuous in his surveying of the girls but extremely conspicuous in his appearance. How often was it that you saw a teenager with waist-length white hair, after all? Especially if that aforementioned teen was male? And especially if that teen was a hot, _gay_ guy? Because everyone knows that it's the gay guys that are the cutest - they're usually the ones to take the most care with their appearance, after all.

Juushiro, oblivious to all of this, walked on amidst the exhilarated whispers, trying to pinpoint the girl he was looking for - one Izuko Tesusai. He _was_ interested in her - ever since his second year, actually. She was cute, she was smart, and she had the most _beautiful_ blond hair. It wound down to her waist, just like his, and curled up at the bottom in the most delightful way. So, naturally, it was her who he would ask.

"Ha ha HA!" Juushiro rounded on his friend. "Beat that, Shunsui! I got a date! On my first try, too!"

"Wow, Ukitake-senpai, really?" Senzo asked, surprised. "I seriously thought Kyouraku-senpai would score a girl first. I didn't think you had any experience in this kind of thing, being from a poor district and all."

"Listen, Senzo, just because I'm from one of the poorer districts of Rukongai doesn't mean I've never asked a girl out. And I have had five years in the Academy to do the daring deed, too, you know." Ukitake explained.

"But I thought you'd been acting out a relationship with Kyouraku-senpai since first year? So you did it with him then?" Senzo wondered with almost childish curiousity.

"I don't think that's exactly what he meant by 'daring deed', Senzo. But who knows? He's certainly held back from having sex with me. The stickler. What do I care whether it's a guy or a girl? Pleasure is all that matters." Shunsui interjected, grinning.

Juushiro was about to retort but decided not to dig himself any deeper into the hole and changed the subject. "Aren't you wondering who I asked to the dance?"

"Oh, sure, Juu. I'll bite. Who'd you ask?" Shunsui replied.

"Izuko Tesusai. You know, the cute blond? It was kind of funny, actually; she wanted to know whether 'my boyfriend' would mind. I told her that we were going to cater to the girls during the dance and branch out a little. She seemed happy enough, so I took that for a yes." Juushiro answered.

"You do realize that she's one of your fangirls, right Ukitake-senpai? That was kinda dangerous there. Saying that you'll 'cater to the girls' by 'branching out a little'. She's gonna tell the rest of their little fanclub and they're going to interpret it as 'We are going to try some new, interesting things with our relationship tonight for you girls'. And by 'new and interesting' I mean 'gay and gayer'. Get it? You might want to pick your words more carefully next time, senpai." Senzo explained.

"What? Gah, no! That's not what I meant!" Juushiro slapped his hand to his forehead in realization. "Damn!"

"Well, you're going to have to put up with it now, Juushiro. Just bear with it." Shunsui soothed his friend.

"But Kyouraku-senpai, their fanclub is for both of you. Not just Ukitake-senpai. You're going to experience the effects too," smirked Senzo, watching the black-haired student's face take on a horrified look. "Good luck to you both!"

It was the night of the dance, and so far everything had gone right. Of course, _so far_ didn't include picking up their dates. They hadn't managed to cringe their way through that laborious process yet. They were still mustering up the last ounces of their courage.

Senzo laughed, slapping his friends on their backs and pushed them toward the girls' dorms. "Go get 'em! Prove that you're straight once and for all!" The two winced and then straightened up with new determination, setting off at a brisk pace toward the girls' rooms.

Once there, Shunsui knocked on the door twice and then paused, waiting for their dates within to answer. He had managed to find a suitable date at the last minute - it had been hard searching for a girl who didn't have ties to the Kyouraku/Ukitake fanclub. Her name was Akiyo Fujiwara and she was…in a word? Plain. But she was straight, and that was all that mattered. So here he was, knocking on the door of a girl's room, waiting to see that door open and reveal the luscious paradise within.

The door creaked open and revealed a blond, buxom girl wielding a small jeweled purse. "Oh! Kyouraku-san! And Ukitake-san! You're here!" She turned around and yelled into the room, "Akiyo-san! Our dates are here! Are you ready?" Her eyes widened when she was pulled aside to reveal her roommate.

"I am so ready! Kyouraku-san, here I come! And I expect you to fill me in on _all_ the details of your past relationships, dear!" she seductively whispered, dragging Shunsui away toward the dance hall.

'Is it just me or did she just slyly tell him to cough up all the intimate details of his doings with Ukitake-senpai?' thought Senzo, watching from the other end of the hallway with his date.

Juushiro and Izuko stared after the two. "You'll have to excuse her," Izuko tucked her bangs to the side. "She's a little…forceful…sometimes. But I know we are going to have a great time, aren't we! I can't wait to dance with one of the famed Kyouraku/Ukitake couple! This is such a golden chance!" she squealed, unaware of the small grimace her date featured on his face.

She whirled around - the hair he had at first found so pleasing floating around her back in a thick golden halo as if taunting him, 'I'm too good for you!' - and ran away, clearly pleased by her ability to confess her true feelings. Juushiro was stunned.

And he was _still _stunned when Senzo found him standing stock-still a half-hour later, staring after the memory of Izuko running away happily.

"Ukitake-senpai? You alright? What happened? I saw Izuko-san blushing and giggling with her friends a couple of minutes ago. What'd you tell her? Hello? Senpai?" Senzo waved his hand in front of his friend's glazed eyes.

"I…I got rejected." Juushiro whispered. "She said she liked me gay. With Shunsui. Gay. With Shunsui. Gay. Shunsui. Gay…"

"You can stop repeating it now, Juu. I heard it too," called Shunsui, walking over to the two. "Except in Akiyo's version it was 'gay with Ukitake-sama'. And she told me that the only reason she didn't join our fanclub was because she was archenemies with their leader. My searching was fruitless. I think they've developed an idol-complex for our relationship, old friend. Not even the little kids in your district call you '-sama', and they're mesmerized by your attending the Academy and training to become a Shinigami."

Juushiro looked up, still dazed. "Kids…gay…Ukitake…idol?"

Senzo snorted. "I think we've got a long way to go, my friends."


	3. Tricks, Traps, and You Can Never Be Sure

A/N: I'm sorry. It's been one year and seven months since I last wrote for this…I'm sorry. So sorry.

I don't know if it's going to be continued after this, either, but…well. Enjoy this chapter!

And by the way, the wonderful **kenihiko** (deviantArt) inspired this!

**Chapter Three: Tricks, Traps, and You Can Never Be Sure**

**-o-**

"Shunsui…"

"Yes, Juushiro?"

"…"

"I completely agree."

The lights flicked on, casting shiny beams over two naked men half-submerged in an onsen. One's leg was laying over the other's, his brown hair damp and tangled after the fall the pair had taken, and both were thoroughly annoyed. Only the fact that they were used to seeing each other vulnerable and unclothed prevented the heat from spreading to their cheeks.

Juushiro sighed. "The only way this could possibly get any worse would be if somebody had choreographed it, taken pictures, and tacked them to the academy bulletin board."

Shunsui grinned and then promptly choked, his eyes casting frantically about the entrance behind his white-haired friend. "Shit, Juu, famous last words!"

The snow-white head froze and eyes widened in realization as the frail man twisted around in shock and incredulity. A small contingent of the fangirls that had made themselves known to the pair last meeting had appeared holding cameras – and damned if they hadn't orchestrated the entire thing in the first place! "Damn!" he swore, determined to salvage their last month of school reputation if it was the last thing he did. Standing up with no regard for any nudity, he let a fragment of his power shine through the bindings of sealing and made his way forward. "Now, girls, let's not be hasty. Please hand that over and no more pranks. I don't have much patience left."

The unwelcome females tittered and pushed one of their number forward, blushing. The chosen handed the camera over – blocky, old-fashioned piece that it was – and moved back to her previous place. Another series of blushes and giggles ensued with a haphazard glance or two downward.

The annoyed, embarrassed student shrugged and put a hand to his forehead, massaging his temples. "Please _leave_, now."

The girls moved to go but paused as the more muscular of the two spoke up from his place in the heated water. "No, wait. Juushiro may not be familiar with your wiles, but I," he stepped out of the water, steam preventing them from fully seeing his body, "am most certainly not, so hand over those pictures."

A groan went up and some hesitant hands proffered a series of pictures displaying both their descent and subsequent entanglement – and did one of the girls manage to squeeze off a shot of a naked Ukitake before he demanded the camera? Man, were they fast. "Thanks." Taking the pictures, he ruffled through them for a second and then rolled his eyes, wondering at the forwardness of some of them. "Where, exactly, where you planning to…distribute…these, may I ask?"

A giggle, then: "The fanclub bulletin, and maybe a bit around the town to individual buyers!" went up. Juushiro felt his face heat, and then realizing that he and his best friend were still naked, he shook his head and grabbed two towels off of a rack he hadn't spotted before. Wrapping one around himself and tossing one to his darker friend, he walked forward and ushered the girls out of the steamy room, offering them a last warning. "I don't know how many of those you've gotten off already, but if we find you doing it again we'll take it up with the school board – these are private and intrusive!"

Kyouraku watched him shut the door a little harder than need be and then sat down on the bench in front of the bath. "You probably could've phrased that a better way, my friend."

The leaner man relaxed and turned around to face his roommate. "What?"

"I'm saying, they could have drawn ten different meanings from your statement there; it was decidedly ambiguous."

Juushiro crooked a dark eyebrow. "I'm afraid I still don't understand. Are you implying that they're going to spread it around that they found us in the bath together?"

Shunsui groaned and flopped over to rest fully on the light wood. "No, you kind, kind, unassuming, innocuous tea-fiend, they're going to assume that as long as we don't catch them that they're allowed to continue snapping and distributing those stupid things to our willing fans! Though that too, I suppose."

"…Tea-fiend?"

"Would you prefer ochazuke?"

"I don't think pictures of you are stupid."

"You realize they're probably still listening outside the door."

"For what? Our fervent declarations of love and passionate make-up sex?"

A muffled but enthusiastic titter.

"Aw, shit."

-o-o-

-o-


End file.
